3 Meaningful Ways to Be With Your Person Before Cremation
When it comes to cremation, many families don’t realize they have options for time with their person before the final goodbye. Most funeral homes and mortuaries don’t widely advertise these opportunities, not because they aren’t desired, but because they aren’t big-ticket offerings. But just because something isn’t flashy or profitable doesn’t mean it isn’t deeply important. These quiet, often-overlooked moments can offer profound peace and a sense of closure. Not every funeral needs to be a grand event. Sometimes, it’s the intimate acts - bathing your loved one, sitting with them in stillness, or being present at their cremation - that help us say goodbye in a way that feels human, grounded, and true.
Here are three ways to spend time with your person before they are cremated — simple, meaningful options that many people don’t even know are possible.
You Can Keep Your Person At Home After They Die
In the United States, we hold a lot of misconceptions about what’s “supposed” to happen after someone dies. One of the most common? That if a person dies at home, they need to be removed immediately and rushed off to a funeral home asap. That’s simply not true.
It’s legal to keep your loved one at home after death, though the exact time frame varies by state. Here in California, there’s no legal limit. But once a funeral home has been called to take your person into their care, the clock starts ticking. By law, they have to be in refrigeration within a certain number of hours from that first call. If cremation is your chosen method of disposition, that time before they leave your care can be one of the most meaningful windows to honor and connect with them.
This is where home funerals come in.
Ideally, you connect with a death doula or end-of-life guide before your person dies — especially if they’re on hospice. Death doulas often collaborate beautifully with hospice teams and can be “on call” to support when the time comes.
When your person dies, the death doula can come to your home to help gently care for the body. That might include bathing them, brushing their hair, or even simple acts like closing their eyes and mouth. They can also guide you and your family in doing these things yourselves, which, for many, becomes a powerful final act of love. Before our current funeral standards became the norm, we used to care for the dead at home… family would gather and care for their loved one after death. Not only is this a beautiful way to honor the deceased, this precious time can positively impact the grieving process and help with closure.
Often, the body is dressed or shrouded in natural fiber fabric or bed sheets after death so that family and friends can gather, sit vigil, share stories, and just be with the person. There is no rush. You can spend hours - even days - together before they’re transferred to the funeral home for cremation. This time at home is an ideal moment to create a loving, peaceful atmosphere around your person. Light candles. Burn their favorite incense or fill the room with the scent of a candle they always loved. Put on music that meant something to them, or to you. Let stories be told, tears be shed, laughter shared. Invite close friends or family to come say goodbye, if that feels right. These simple acts - done before your person is turned over to the care of funeral professionals -can become some of the most meaningful memories you carry with you in grief.
It’s important to know that recently deceased bodies are not inherently dangerous to the living. In most cases, it’s completely safe to touch, wash, and care for your loved one after death with some basic precautions. Of course, if there are open wounds or known communicable diseases, extra care should be taken, and this is where a death doula or end-of-life guide can offer valuable education and guidance. We always recommend using personal protective equipment (PPE) when tending to the dead, not out of fear, but out of respect and safety. Our bodies are incredibly wise and they know what to do after death. Decomposition begins, yes, but it doesn't happen instantly. With simple temperature control and body cooling methods, it’s often possible to keep your person at home for up to three days, allowing time for presence, ritual, and heartfelt goodbyes.
So the first way to spend time with your person before cremation is to simply… keep them home. Let the space between death and departure be full of care, reverence, and love.
For more information about home funerals, visit The Home Funeral Alliance.
2. Arrange a Farewell Visit Before Cremation
Once your person is in the care of a funeral home, you may still have a chance to spend time with them before cremation even if you weren’t able to keep them at home. Most funeral homes offer what’s commonly referred to in the profession as an ID view or identification viewing, though we’re big fans of calling it something more human, like a Farewell Visit.
Despite the clinical name, an ID viewing can be a surprisingly tender experience. This is typically a brief, private visit with your person before cremation. Some funeral homes will allow you to bring pets to the Farewell Visit - be sure to ask ahead of time.
Photo courtesy of the Beth Barbeau family
A Farewell Visit does not require embalming, though the condition of the body will determine whether it’s possible. A reputable funeral home won’t offer this option in cases of advanced decomposition or traumatic injury. But in many cases, especially when death was anticipated, a short, gentle goodbye is absolutely within reach. And, don’t be surprised if the funeral home that you’re working with doesn’t offer you an ID viewing, it’s not a high-ticket offering so many won’t bring up this option when you’re making the arrangements. Don’t be afraid to ask and advocate for yourself! You may want to call around before selecting a funeral home to make sure they will honor your wishes for a Farewell Visit.
While the rules may vary from funeral home to funeral home, most allow up to eight family members and/or friends to gather for a 30-minute Farewell Visit. They will “set the features” beforehand (a term that means closing the eyes and mouth) and gently wash their face and comb hair if needed. It’s not a full cosmetic preparation, just a light touch to bring some peace and dignity to the moment.
Typically, your person wont’ be in a casket, they will be laid on a dressing table with a pillow under their head and blankets pulled up to the chest, so it looks like they’re resting. The room is quiet and private. It's especially meaningful for people who didn’t make it in time to say goodbye before death, or who just need one more moment to sit with them, to see them. We recommend asking the mortuary that you are working with if you’re allowed to play music, or bring an officiant for a final blessing. Remember, this is your time with your person, it’s ok to personalize the experience so it reflects who they are and how they lived.
If this is something you’d want, it’s best to bring it up while making arrangements. Oftentimes, cremation will take place within a week of the deceased being brought into the care of the funeral home, so they will need to know sooner than later if you’d like to plan a Farewell Visit. Not every funeral home offers this option by default, so don’t be afraid to ask: Can we have an ID viewing before cremation?
3. Be Present at the Cremation
The third, and perhaps most profound, way to spend time with your person before cremation is to be there when it happens. In the funeral profession, this is known (rather unfortunately) as a witness cremation. At The Death Network, we prefer to call it something a little more human: presence at cremation, final send-off, or even just being there.
This option allows family and friends to be present at the start of the cremation process. It usually takes place at the crematory, where a small waiting room is set aside for family and friends. If you prefer not to be in the same room as the cremation chamber (called a retort), you can often observe through a window from that space, much like a viewing room. Or, if you're ready, you can stand beside the cremation chamber itself for your final goodbye.
Your person will typically be placed in a cremation casket, often a heavy-duty cardboard container, though some families choose to purchase a more decorative one. (Honestly, that’s up to you, but most cremation caskets are meant to be simple and functional.) The casket is placed on a conveyor or lift system and brought to the retort.
You’re usually given about 20 to 30 minutes. Some families place flowers, letters, drawings, or small photos inside the casket. If the person was embalmed and timing allows, the lid might be opened briefly if you’d like to see your person one last time. But many people who choose cremation haven’t been embalmed, so whether the casket is open or closed will depend on the condition of the body and the guidance of the funeral director.
This is where honest communication matters. If you're hoping to see your person one last time before cremation, talk to your funeral director. Ask whether the cremation casket can remain open, and whether a presence-at-cremation option is available. A good funeral home will walk you through what to expect, and will never put you in a situation that could lead to traumatic memories.
Being there for the moment of cremation is not for everyone. But for those who feel called to it, it can be an incredibly grounding and meaningful way to accompany your person to the threshold. Spending those final moments with your person can be a meaningful way to honor their life and provide a sense of closure for you. Just like being present when someone is buried in a cemetery, a witness cremation can be that final act of love as well.
Consider What Matters Most
The truth is, most people don’t talk about what they want when they die, and when the time comes, their loved ones are left grieving and trying to make quick decisions under pressure. In the case of cremation especially, many don’t realize that the same kinds of tender, meaningful moments we associate with traditional visitations or services can still happen. And they don’t have to take place in a big chapel under dim lights with rows of folding chairs. These experiences can be quiet, simple, and deeply personal.
Before you make the call to bring your person into the care of a funeral home, pause. Ask yourself, or ask the people closest to them “would anyone want time to be with them before cremation?” That might mean a ritual bathing and home funeral in the hours after death. It might mean a quiet ID view at the funeral home. It might mean being present at the crematory for their final send-off. Or maybe it’s a combination of these.
There is no right answer, only what feels true to your relationship with them, and to your own grief. Even just a few peaceful moments with your person before cremation can become a grounding, healing part of the goodbye.
Written by: Penny Waugh
